Monsters. Again. I know, I know.
But there are just so many of them.
I guess the most relevant one right now is Inability to Revise. I have to get seriously stressed out, right up to the line, before I start being at all conscientious about revising. I've had three exams in the past week and they've all been pretty poor, so there is a chance I've failed my degree.
Really, I shouldn't care about failing the degree. But I do, because another monster of mine is Caring About Other People's Expectations. If I get a degree it will be a physics degree - but I want to go into a life and career of music. But because my family expect me to pass, I feel like I would be letting them down if I didn't. And it hurts.
So what is going to happen after the exams then? After the vacation? I have plans, albeit very rough ones.
First of all I need a job, and god knows where that's going to come from (I have never been very good at applying for jobs (I have monsters to do with my CV)). But along with that I'd love to carry on with this Live Music malarky, because it's such good fun and I've still got so much to learn. And I want to turn that into something that can support me eventually. And then who knows what?
I know the first step in sorting myself out is meeting myself where I am. I am having trouble with revising, and that's okay. There are reasons for it; perfectly good reasons. Same goes with everything else. And where I am right now is right for me - it's all about learning and making habits, changing bad patterns.
Wow, this has been a difficult post to write. But I'm feeling a bit better about things now.
Well ciao for now.
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I think 'monsters' is a good word to describe those foibles. I have some of those.
ReplyDeleteI can understand it being difficult to finish off a Physics degree when that's no longer what you feel like. I feel like I hate my degree sometimes and are just doing it out of expectation (I am also over-focussed on expectations/thoughts of others), though I'm not sure I'd be looking for quite such a paradigm shift.
I hope things haven't gone as bad as you're expecting. I have some more work to finish semi-urgently, which will be a drag but I'll just have to make myself do it!